BIG FLIGHT DELAYS

2010-04-05T10:29:00.000-07:00

Not quite a year ago, but close enough to call it that, I had the great pleasure of sharing and familiarizing myself with all of you. We have all travelled in different directions, some that have brought us closer, and some further. I am not sad about this. I know that the distance is a result of us all pursuing our interests and realizing our goals. Wherever our paths may take us, I am glad to have known you all at a point in our lives where ambition and creativity were the onset of major change. Wherever you all go, and whatever you do, I truly wish you the best of everything(love,joy,honesty,pain,knowledge,intensity,calm,success,happiness,growth,fulfillment)...

There are no Mistakes,
There are only Options.

meet you in my dreams

2009-10-06T13:58:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt of papi, well this morning rather. It's the first dream I've had of him since he passed away, and it felt so real. In the dream my dad was in his room taking a nap, like he usually did. The only difference was that his bed was facing in the opposite direction. I started to hug him and he woke up. I started to squeeze him tighter and tighter, not wanting to let go. He started to disappear, and I knew where he was going. I started crying in my dream, and I woke up crying this morning. Nothing like that has ever happened to me, where I could feel everything I was doing. Where I was aware that it was a dream. I remember thinking to myself "Don't wake up, don't wake up!!" I felt that overwhelming pain I feel when I think of my dad, the feeling I only get when I try to push in my tears. But I didn't want to wake up either way because he was there in my grasp. It felt soooo real!

So when I got to work I decided to look up different symbols from my dream to try and interpet them.

Father :To see your father in your dream, symbolizes authority and protection. It suggests that you need to be more self-reliant. Consider also your waking relationship with your father and how aspects of his character may be incorporated within yourself.
Hugging:To dream that you are hugging someone, symbolizes your loving and caring nature. You are holding someone or something close to your heart. Alternatively, it may indicate your need to be more affectionate.

Crying:To dream that you are crying, signifies a release of negative emotions that is more likely caused by some waking situation rather than the events of the dream itself. Your dream is a way to regain some emotional balance and a way to safely let out your fears and frustrations. In our daily lives, we tend to ignore, deny, or repress our feelings. But in our dream state, our defense mechanisms are no longer on guard and thus allow for the release of such emotions.
&
To wake up crying, represents some suppressed hurt or previous trauma that is coming up to the surface. You can no longer suppress these emotions. They need to be dealt with head on.
These are all from dreammoods.com

repost from an old blog

it's been a long time coming

2009-10-06T13:51:00.001-07:00

I'm stuck at work on a beautiful day, what else is new? At least I can actually have a moment to myself and finally write. I've started this blog maybe a hundred times, but everything that came out sounded so unlike me. But I guess that makes sense, these days I don't quite know who I am. I don't feel like me. A month has passed since my dad died...my dad died...my dad died...I still can't believe that this is true. Maybe it's taken over a hundred times to write anything about this because without fail my eyes begin to water and this weight begins to pull me down, like a string tide to my sternum, pulling hard and slowly, and I can't breathe.

In my moments of pure weakness, I beg to go back for at least one last time. I ask God, anyone, to take me back to the day before, to hold him and kiss him and tell him I love him so much, to do anything to change the events that happened that Saturday, to save me from today. It plays in my head like a movie, I hate this fucken movie. It's the dumbest fucken movie! It's the most painful movie, but then again it's not a movie and all I'm left with is this feeling of pain. A pain that is not comparable to anything I've ever felt. I never knew heartache until now.

The Friday before my dad past away was too perfect, that should have tipped me off right then and there that something awful was looming. Salome and I went to my parents’ house to meet up with my family because we were all going to a baby shower. Papi wasn't coming with us because he was having his usual poker night with his friends. There were jokes and hugs and love to spare. I'll always remember this night, even though we hadn't spent the entire night together as a family, because it's the last time I hugged my dad and kissed him and I told him how much I loved him. I'm grateful for at least having that much. We all went our separate ways, off to the baby shower first, then to Jacob's first Solo Art show and then off to boozy nights in LES.

That Saturday I woke up happy and hungry! Amanda had stayed with me that night, and we decided to head to work early and go to the Diner to have breakfast. We ordered our food and that's when I got a call from Jerica, my brother's girlfriend. Her exact words were "Hey has anyone called you about your dad?" I was clueless to what her words meant, and replied "No, no ones called. What's up?" Her next words hit me like tiny daggers "Your dad is in the hospital." I didn't know what was going on and I quickly started panicking. I called my mother right away and asked her what was going on. She was crying and told me that my father had a heart attack while they were shopping. I went into immediate shock, and then I became hysterical. I knew something was right. I honestly don't know what I would've done if I did not have Amanda there. She instantly became my rock, my angel to lift me to life and get me into a cab.

The cab ride to my house was the longest ride of my life; I couldn't get there fast enough. Both Jerica and Salome were waiting for me at my mom's to take me to the hospital. I sobbed pretty much the entire time there along with Jerica. We didn't know, but we knew...when we finally got there Jerica dropped me off at the front of the hospital with my father's diabetes meds. As soon as I walk through the automatic doors, I knew. My brother was there waiting for me, with open arms and face that told me our lives were forever changed. The look on my brother's face is burned into my memory. Even when I try, I can't let it go. He looked like he was in absolute agony and I'm sure my face mimicked his. I collapsed into tears in his arms and just let him hold me, because at that moment I couldn't hold myself.

I wish I could simply say that the rest was a blur, but that doesn't hold true for me. That was the worst weekend of my life. Minutes had a way of changing themselves into hours, hours into days. This is the saddest and strangest time of my life. And here I am now; this blog post took over 2 weeks to finally make it through, because every word sparked another idea, another memory, and another moment of sadness all over again…

it feels good to have an outlet, but I can’t write anymore about this. Goodnight.

repost from old blog

2009-09-26T13:41:00.000-07:00

I will no longer be posting on this blog. However, the other contributors still may. Thank you for reading and sharing. Thank you to the other contributors for also reading and sharing as well. Continue to enjoy! If anyone needs to reach me, I can still be messaged at raineycruz@gmail.com

2009-09-20T17:41:00.000-07:00

My cockiness gets the best of me but...

2009-09-17T20:45:00.000-07:00

..I love it! My brain, culture, knowledge, language, it's all being expanded. I spent the last week and a half prepping for my first project. Simple project, but time consumming none the less. I presented first. I rocked it. I set the bar high. So high no other project caught up and in a class with 60 creative minds in grad school level it's a lot to say. I like that. I'm cocky and at times arrogant, but I got my reasons. I devote my time to what I do. I like being the best or one of at what I do. I take pride in my work and my ability to get my head up and out of the box of any constraints. I learn rules and I break them. It's what I do and I'm good at it.

2009-09-17T18:20:00.000-07:00

The ability to sense and synthesize all of the complexities.

2009-09-15T21:49:00.000-07:00

2009-09-13T22:10:00.000-07:00

Another.

2009-09-12T16:53:00.001-07:00

Wake up, hit the snooze button. Wake up, put on my t-shirt, hit the snooze button. Wake up, put on my socks, hit the snooze button. Wake up, put on my pants, hit the snooze button. That was us this morning when we didn't want to wake up at a hotel that somebody got for us. Haha.

2009-09-11T09:23:00.000-07:00

This is how I like it. Right now I'm gearing up for a job in Brooklyn. I don't know every single bit of detail, but the mystery is cool to me. I know I'll be working with a stage and I know its raining and I know it is a bit chilly out. Cool. I feel how I like to feel, shrouded, hidden, secret. I have tools and rain gear. Nobody knows and nobody will know, this work gets done in secrecy. I'm in and then I'm out. There are no fake smiles, I do not have to lie about who I am. I have some friends that I have met before. We do favors and look out for one another. We are working the same job, but we each have our own lives. There is even a hotel room for us tonight. Ok, cool.

2009-09-10T11:09:00.000-07:00

Underneath the city life, where no one's really looking.

2009-09-09T18:23:00.000-07:00

I don't want to be buried in a pet cemetery. I don't want to be buried at all!

Recently seen...

2009-09-07T11:17:00.000-07:00

2009-09-07T10:33:00.000-07:00

Hate, Anger and Violence are not the problems, False Love is (2:05).

Dependency, Masochism and psychological oppression. Everyone that thinks they know what is best for someone ELSE. Everyone that interferes and polices--even with good intentions--other people. Do not become a "telephone" for someone else's feelings! Break down the walls instead, so that we will not even need telephones to communicate! Things are more complex than just right and wrong, sad or happy! Stop masking behind "matters of the heart." No. The heart has killed many people and the heart has hurt many things via vengeance and passion and jealousy. We are MORE complex than this!

2009-09-06T22:55:00.000-07:00

Making positive noise when some people would like me to remain silent. Keeping quiet when some people would rather hear me say negative things.

2009-09-04T08:22:00.000-07:00

I am playing electric guitar. Two guys wanted to steal my denim shirt. The police wanted to give me a ticket for not paying my subway fare. I crashed my bike into a taxi door. I used to be angry at many things. I am no longer angry at many things. I've talked with many good friends this week. I am very interested in a jam session next week.

2009-09-03T09:59:00.000-07:00

We will not waste our time arguing or debating. If we find something here that agrees or talks with us, then, by all means, we take it. If it does not, we feel free to leave it. We are all here to share, not enforce!

2009-09-02T20:31:00.000-07:00

Found dirty dancing on sale for four bucks when I went to get Danny a video game at blockbuster. Watched it with Mami while we drank some wine and talked about school stuff. went downstairs to do some laundry and work on my room... Damn, it feels good to be home*

2009-09-02T09:14:00.000-07:00

Biked home from Manhattan last night. The 145th Street Bridge was closed so I had to take the Yankee Stadium Bridge. The detour allowed me to bump into, Alice, a member of Red Roots, an arts and social change collective that's located in the South Bronx. Wow! I just stumbled on what I've been looking for, a local anarchist platform!

2009-09-01T08:28:00.000-07:00

2009-08-31T17:48:00.000-07:00

con.fron.ta.tion [kon-fruhn-tey-shuhn n, -fruhn-]

noun

1.an act of confronting.

2.the state of being confronted.

3.a meeting of persons face to face.

4.an open conflict of opposing ideas, forces, etc.

5.a bringing together of ideas, themes, etc., for comparison.

6.Psychology. a technique used in group therapy, as in encounter groups, in which one is forced to recognize one's shortcomings and their possible consequences.

I dove deep. I pushed, I pulled. I fought, only to think that perhaps

I'd lost my way again.

Growing takes patience, and sometimes knowledge takes a moment to really dawn on you.

A moment to see through the fog, and overlay your new perspective ...

I've made ammends with the past;

I never really lost me way, only thought to have.

I'm driven by a force that at times is so incredibly close, and yet others still so far.

There is somuch more than I've seen, than I've touched, and tasted.

That which I have only makes me want to reach higher, delve deeper.

I will go deeper, I'll push harder, fight stronger.

I can't go back having experienced the lesson.

I can't go back 'cause I've changed.

I can't go back because I am aware,

I'm running full force ahead:

Knowing confrontation is Tangible*

2009-08-30T21:56:00.000-07:00

The night air is the resistance air, the release of the hypocrite day's thank-you-no-thank-you's and maybe-yes-maybe's. This is pressure-pipe urgency. All of the uselessness and all of the passiveness gone in one very swift shade of very black ink. I'd ride downtown aimlessly all of the time. Walking and walking, staring and staring, hoping to find eyes that--like mine--were screaming in silence. I, wanting to fight, and the night, wanting to swallow me whole before the light re-arrived. And not until now did I realize that all of those nights were the call of the wild, the adventure inside. And now, rather than staring, my eyes they are blazing. Now, rather than walking, my legs they are running, running and running. My body is catapulting. Over fences and into windows, out of apartments and into tunnels, running and streaking, embracing momentum because this isn't some kind of poetry or fantasy story, this is my life! This is my life and it is full of vigor, anarchy, and opportunity. In the midst of my very own fire I have begun to realize that I am not the observer, but rather, the writer of the story of my very own life.

2009-08-29T22:01:00.000-07:00

Who I want to be, with who I want, with what I do.

2009-08-28T18:48:00.000-07:00

2009-08-27T08:57:00.000-07:00

Production.

2009-08-26T17:42:00.000-07:00

I have been called many things in this life: A snake, a leader, an echo, a rebel, egotistical, genuine, a prophet, a false prophet, an artist, a clone, etc. They are all the "images" of many opinions on one subject. It is possible that they are ALL incorrect.

you

2009-08-25T16:38:00.000-07:00

“Dark

All the nights that I have lived and all the days I have seen without you.

Strange

The path, lights, life and everything is strange if I don’t behold your eyes.

Lost

Myself, my dreams, heaven and hell, when you don’t find me.

Oblivion

To my legend, my heart, my eyes and body when out of your mind.

You are the truth of my world,

You are my disorders

You are the fortress and good vibrations on the road,

You are the reason to be free

You are my disorders and my capacity to see and enjoy happiness and sadness

You and only you.”

2009-08-23T12:56:00.000-07:00

Worked on another production shoot yesterday. This is what they had me driving around the city to pick up cast and rental equipment:

I have never driven such a big vehicle and I was scared out of my mind. But when I drove I forgot about being scared and just learned to deal with it. It made me remember how cool it is to engage in things that scare you and that worst that can happen is winding up learning to do something completely new that you didn't think you were originally capable of.

2009-08-21T09:41:00.001-07:00

I worked on this video two weeks ago. I do not believe in the concept or the references that they make to power and militarism, but I did get the opportunity to work with an art production team on set design and all of the props in the video. In other words, it was a cool experience to see and do, but I am not part of that celebrity agenda. I am more interested in how to create than creating for an agenda.

2009-08-20T18:12:00.000-07:00

2009-08-19T19:11:00.000-07:00

Some people will not understand me completely. They believe that I am some happy-go-lucky guy that believes in concepts like love, anarchy and freedom.

They do not know that along with being a happy-go-lucky free-spirit, I am also a very intense, critically thinking being. I am two very different and very opposing things in one. Which leads some people to ask why or how that duality is possible because--to them--it does not square up.

Good. It should not. Just like how many things in the world do not square up. For they are are vastly more complex than we were taught or have imagined.

Like this, I am also vastly more complex. I exist in a continuous state of living and self-discovery in relation to others. I do not control the universe, but I do control its proximity and relationship to me. This applies to all situations, environments and, most noticeably, people. I have the power to decide who is good for me and who is not. What is good for me and what is not. What I can be and what I choose not to be. I critically think. I do not just believe in anything about love, anarchy and freedom.

Sometimes people can be fooled into assuming that they are like me or that I am like them because we have things in common or there are similarities. This is not true, however. I am not truly like them any more than I am truly like any of the heroes or people that I admire. I will never truly be anyone except myself.

There are some times that I operate on a simple, down-to-earth level. Other times I operate on a higher, more complex, above-the-earth level. I do not abide to everyone and everything at all times. I change.

No one beckons the wind and it blows just fine. No one summons the rain, but it falls nonetheless. And so I ask, as a being, to be less understood as ideological material and more understood as a force.

2009-08-18T07:59:00.000-07:00

My friend Slavko says, "Pain or damage don't end the world. Or despair or fucking beatings. The world ends when you're dead. Until then, you got more punishment in store. Stand it like a man... and give some back."

My friend Justin says, "Once you reach a certain age, things like that don't even matter" (referring to self-conscious body image).

2009-08-17T21:55:00.001-07:00

$5-dolla-holla city ridin' shorts.

2009-08-16T21:23:00.000-07:00

District Nine.

2009-08-15T02:00:00.000-07:00

Thursday morning--at 4:30 AM--I was chatting online with Angelina. We wrote so much about where we are in our lives and I noted that all of my closest peers are just about at the same place, a standstill! She said that she felt as though the recent phase in her life was leading her to believe that she was living a life that was not even her own. We also spoke about breaking free. We agreed that it will all run its course and that everything will return, no worry.

2009-08-14T23:21:00.000-07:00

*DISCLAIMER* The following will only make sense to you if lately you have been feeling as if you are not in full control of your own life.

In order to regain control of our own lives and destiny we must stop giving up our energy to other false things around us. Stop giving it up to alcohol and the vampires that run that industry, stop giving it up to cigarettes, to television, to banks, to sports-- to all of that!

Alcohol drains you. They are vampires. Look at their logo!

There is another reason why you love this show.
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There is another reason why you think you like to smoke cigarettes.
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This is the reason! You are attracted to the pyramid, a symbol of a higher state of existence.
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Even in sports. . .
w

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Even in beer.
w

Banks.
w

Money.
w

We think that we are just "choosing" what we want, but really we are subconsciously worshiping symbols like Saturn, The Sun and The Moon.

Saturn.
w

Saturn.
w

w
Saturn.
w

w
Moon.
w

Sun and Moon.

This means that whenever we are working for money, buying for brand names, socializing with alcohol, watching sports, watching television--all of those things--we are really succumbing to a form of visual mind control that is being used to control us. We are "giving up" our conscious energy and deciding to do what we are being "told" to do.

Want to regain control? Uncover your third eye and stop buying and participating in all of the bullshit that is being sold to you. Instead start participating in your own freedom and the opportunity to invest in things that don't limit you!

Interested in learning more? Watch this:

2009-08-13T16:32:00.000-07:00

This is the most crowded and isolated place in the world is what my friend Crystal says. She's right. She's right because when you're walking home at 3:38 in the morning you realize that the only bright and cheery thing in these streets are lit store awnings. Sprint, Verizon, Foot Locker--you name it--all shining brighter than our poor souls tonight. They are bright and we are dim. They are on and we are off.

Does anyone realize? Probably, but there are enough beers, bars, bags, trips, drugs, shows and fads to beat yourself senseless with. And that is what they do. They entrench themselves so deeply in the lives of onscreen acting vampires and fairy tales that they forget about anything. The vampires in True Blood are real, they drain your blood, they distract you from ever engaging in True Life. And this is what goes on with every popular show and popular outing. Everything is made to pull our strings and engage our conscious, so that it only believes what it sees and never actually operates in thought. It only repeats quotes and follows up on Facebook comments. In reality there are not that many "friends" and no one is that social.

They enjoy the box's company and the box enjoys theirs. From one box to the next. One with colors that talks back, one with colors that talks back and has popcorn and soda, another that plays music and serves alcohol, another with orders and tasks that enslave and pay with a bi-weekly reward, and so on and so forth. Everyone loves the box. The box is so beautiful, the box is so bountiful.

2009-08-11T15:58:00.000-07:00

I am so spiritually beaten right now that it is almost as if I do not exist. I am being dehumanized and made to not matter so much that I am erased. I am to do countless things to earn rank and merit and then countless more things on top of those, all in the arenas of competition and ambition, all to purposefully swell me in anger and not believe in even my own spirit. I am being stripped from existence, for the things that I am are now made to not matter, and the things that they have made matter, I am certainly not.

2009-08-07T07:18:00.000-07:00

Just arrived home from a 24-hour work day. I was called to be on set for the filming of a music video featuring Jay-z, Kanye West and Rihanna. Now I'm tired. I will post more about it later.

2009-08-06T00:00:00.000-07:00

2009-08-05T13:23:00.000-07:00

Where are our lives in this place? This is clearly the place where spirits get eaten. It isn't in Hell or any Purgatory, it is here that the spirits are being eaten! I can see it. I have seen it and I am angry because it is unjust and it is completely unfair. We did not choose to be here, but I do not want to be here to be eaten. I am tired of being repressed, tired of being withheld, tired of living with the obvious emptiness. And no, it is not a lack of God. God is not the filler of empty void! God is the voice in me telling me to shout and express the empty bullshit that this existence can be! That is God, the feeling and honesty, our spirit. This is the place where they fucking eat us and laugh because to them it is a joke. 20+ years of existence with nothing to show them in their own stupid, unjust game and I know why we have nothing to show them. Because we didn't let them eat us now they are upset. If you don't abide you get punished--punished emotionally, psychologically and physically. It is all the same, you see. Whip me psychologically and it will bleed emotionally. Beat me emotionally and I will bruise physically. We are in the place where spirits get eaten is what John Trudell told me. He also told me to protect my spirit. We are "human," but some have forgotten that we are also "being." Human suffers, ages, perishes. Being always was, always is. That is our spirit. We are in the place where spirits get eaten and I must remain angry because I refuse to be on the menu.

soundtrack of my last 10 years

2009-08-04T19:21:00.000-07:00

I WANT TO BE WITH YOU ALONG MY 5 FAVORITE CDS

1.SUPPOSED FORMER INFATUATION JUNKIE
alanis morissette

2.MELLONCOLLIE AND THE INFINITE SADNESS
the smashing pumpkins

3.ESPIRITU DE VINO. heroes del silencio

4.HOLLYWOOD ON THE VALLEY OF DEATH
marilyn manson

5. CRIA CUERVOS. toque profundo

2009-08-04T17:03:00.000-07:00

Hello. Today I went to the beach, where there were topless women and scantily clad men, some in thongs. It was cool. I did not know that New York City had a "Euro" feel beach to offer, but apparently yes. That is cool. I went with my friend Javier and his friend Oscar. I swam and reintroduced myself to the ocean. The last time I had swum in it was in Puerto Rico for surf. I listened to music on the sand when I was not in the water. I have developed new taste buds for my ears. I can deconstruct sounds that I like now. For example, old New York disco/dance/funk that I like has electronic sounds like hi hats and bass drums that merge with organic sounds like congas and cow bells. That is just an example. I hope you like. I do.

2009-08-01T09:18:00.000-07:00

2009-08-01T02:16:00.000-07:00

Today I was sad and felt useless. I told my friends that, although this was my exterior, I didn't believe that it represented me in full. It did, however, represent my mood and I felt miserable. I read a bit of The Catcher In The Rye. 5 pages in and I surely identied with it's protagonist. And that felt okay. Then I up and left. It had stopped raining and I took my bike out. I rode to some friends on 145th Street. There I called Frank in DR to tell him that I was thinking about him. I learned that he--hundreds of miles away--was doing the same thing, hanging with friends. We finished speaking. I left and I rode more bike. When I rode I experienced the first bits of a successful brake-skid. I was very happy for that. It is accomplished with the combination of a somewhat precise and explosive pull-push motion when riding. I hear that the faster you are going, the easier the braking/skidding gets.

It is 5AM now and I have remained awake and outdoors since earlier. I was depressed because I felt that I could not receive a fair shot at making a living in the real fake world, and that living in my world doesn't make a living at all. But I am okay. If I am most remembered for things like eccentricity, art, and honesty then I am happy with those melancholy images.

2009-07-31T00:59:00.000-07:00

What have I learned in 3 months of living on my own in Harlem? One, that I can work the hell out of a tight-ass double doorway while carrying my bike and still having to use my keys to open both doors. Two, that passing by your neighbors enough times, no matter how tight your pants are, eventually earns you their daily "what's up" respect. And three, having such a small place to live in really lets you know what your true interests are, apparently a skateboard, some music/hipster magazines, cd's, camcorder, a bike, and a computer. Awesome!

2009-07-27T21:06:00.000-07:00

Time and family

2009-07-26T06:54:00.000-07:00

It's five minutes to ten am. Just got to Allentown PA to visit my mom and litlle sister, my little brother is in Florida for vacation. I really miss him. What saddens me the most is that Idon't know when I'll see him again. I have 28 days left before I leave for Cali and it has yet to sink in. As I sit across from my mother on her desk who complaints about my little sister being a teen and texting too much, I realize time is getting to her. Although she looks great for her age, it has left its scars. It's like a clawing machine and some get closer to it's claws--time's claws. And we're all getting scratched. We're getting older. Everyday. And not in the sense of aging and maturing, but more of the time passing. I lose track of time. I lose track of people. I don't want to, but my life's experiences have unfortunately allowed me to easily detach myself from people--family. It's numbing. It's the worst feeling. Although I'm leaving shortly I still don't feel any sort of anxiety. I would like to do something different this time. I want to keep my family. I want to keep you. I want to keep you all. You, my friends. You are now my family. You will be missed. So let's make the next 28 days unforgettable. Let's make the best bond that can be made. To a molecular level. I want to carry you all in my DNA. Unseparable. In me. You. Me. Us. Together. Without the claws of time.

2009-07-26T01:19:00.001-07:00

Just me and my board. Just me and my board, just me and my board. And New York City, Alphabet City, scalloped potatoes, John, Prince, Punk Rock, 4:24 AM, and my favorite pair of shoes.

2009-07-25T15:09:00.000-07:00

People often ask me what's it like to be vegan, how I became it, or why even be vegan? To that, I answer: First, I'm not vegan. Rather, I am someone that does not want to consume anything that is not natural (artificial colors, flavors, preservatives, chemicals, etc). Second, I didn't really "choose" this way of living, I evolved into it. I have researched and continue to research tons of healthy, alternative, and holistic practices that oppose the "mainstream diets" of junk and living very incoherently. The more I have learned, the more I have put into practice. My stays in the Dominican Republic and Puerto Rico--where I was able to really eat naturally and expand my diet and variety--were most influential. My anarchist friends, Samuel and Mirella from Puerto Rico, were also most helpful in hands-on influence. We would pick our own things and prepare them, it was wonderful! Lastly, being "vegan,"--for lack of a better word to describe what I really am--feels just fine. I can't tell you that I feel better than a normal consumer or healthier than one, but I can tell you that I feel better and lighter, both physically and metaphysically. Anyone can argue the benefits of eating meat or not eating meat, but no one can argue how you feel about your own practices. That is the importance of living with an open mind and open heart. You, like me, might arrive to a point where you stop asking everyone else "how it feels" and wind up following your spirit and trying it all yourself! Not everyone is the same! Some vegan things might still cause me harm, just like some plants are still as poisonous as meats. The most important thing, I think, is to think!

2009-07-25T03:12:00.000-07:00

We've still got work to do, but we're going to make it. A couple of more years, and you'll see. We will be bringing back a true NY scene, a place for it all. Remember, "we are the music makers, and the dreamers of a dream."

2009-07-22T16:23:00.000-07:00

Filled out an application for BWI's "Made in NY" production assistant training program. Felt very positive about it.

2009-07-20T22:48:00.001-07:00

Today I felt sad. Sad that I would have to finally give in. Sad that I would have to eventually shape up and get in line with the rest of what's going on--cut my hair, dress accordingly, and play the part. Then I saw Soul Power and James Brown told me to remember that "I am, Somebody." Contrary to what society tries to instill in me and erase about me, my opinion matters just as much. Nobody is going to do it or tell it like us. Say it. I am, Somebody!

2009-07-19T21:13:00.000-07:00

Today was beautiful. I had not showered in two days and I was skating all over the place. My nails had black and I was dirty, but I was happy. I had energy and I saw a Downtown girl at the skatepark. She had a cut-up shirt and red bra. She liked me and I was cool. Being dirty was cool. I had big brown eyes, a cut-up cap, and fucked up shoes. I was happy. A cut on my finger got infected so I cut it open again to drain the puss. The dirt caused that, but I didn't care. I liked cutting it open again, so what? I'm really pretty when I'm dirty.

2009-07-18T10:27:00.000-07:00

What have I been? What have I completely or partially been to anything? I ask what have I been?

Many passing things, passing lives. Everyone's moving forward in time with themselves, with their lovers, with their homes. I stand, I move, and I watch. It all happens like this.

I am the silent, brutal, happy tragedy of myself. A sayable unsayable thing: a very proud, and discontent, and angry, and enigmatic, and in-correct, artistic aggressor.

HONESTO POR EL IDIOMA?

2009-07-17T16:53:00.000-07:00

MI INGLES ES TAN LIMITADO QUE A LA HORA DE HABLAR O ESCRIBIR NO ME QUEDA OTRA COSA Q RECURRIR A LA HONESTIDAD.
PERO COMO TERAPIA HE DECIDIDO SER HONESTO EN MI IDIOMA MATERNO.

1.AMO EL SEXO ORAL.

2.MI MADRE ES UNA PROSTITUTA Y UNA VIRGEN LLENA DE LUZ Y AMOR.

3.SOY LA REPRESENTACION DE LA MIERDA Y LA SEXUALIDAD PERTURBADA DE ESTE MUNDO.

4.MI PAIS ANHELA SER FELIZ PERO NO LUCHA POR SERLO.

5.AMO AL MUNDO Y SUS MENTIRAS.

6.SOY NARCISISTA Y HUMANO
ES LO MISMO VERDAD?

HE DESCUBIERTO QUE SOY HONESTO EN AMBOS IDIOMAS

PERO LE TEMO AL ESPAÑOL.

2009-07-17T15:51:00.000-07:00

A week or so in pictures.

...time...?

2009-07-16T21:54:00.000-07:00

Time? There is no such thing. Its just another man-made tool to make his life easier, to cover fears of reality. Once one begins to accept the fact that there is no such thing as time and just let go life starts to unwind itself. If anything, time is manipulable. Things constantly come your way. But it is up to you to decide what to accept. The same way that time is manipulable so is everything else around you. Once you truly accept and believe that then you can start to control time and what comes your way. Time is but a forever, never ending present. You tell time how fast to go. You call those things to come to you. Its all a matter of letting go.

2009-07-15T20:51:00.000-07:00

Hearing back from missed opportunities and first-kisses that still think about you doesn't suck. Cranberry juice and seltzer tastes good to drink. Every time I bike with traffic over the 3rd Avenue Bridge I risk death by automobile. That's about 3 times a week. . . How many times do you almost die?

FREEDOM

2009-07-13T19:11:00.000-07:00

GOD IS THE CURE
GOD IS THE ONE TO BLAME
GOD IS THE LONELY HEART, THE BRAVE ONE.

MY COUNTRY IS A THIRD WORLD
MY COUNTRY IS A SINNER WITH ILLUSIONS
MY COUNTRY IS A GREEN FLOWER ABOUT TO DIE.

MY MOTHER IS A WHORE
MY MOTHER IS A VIRGIN WITH LIGHT AND BEAUTY
MY MOTHER IS A SAD LAND AND A SAD WORD.

MY FATHER IS A STALKER
MY FATHER IS THE SKEPTIC
MY FATHER IS MY GUIDE TO HELL, TO HEAVEN.

I LOST MY BRILLIANT HYPOCRITE CHRISTIAN BEHAVIOR
I LOST MY POWERLESS DARK SATANIC FEARS
I LOST MY PRISON.

FREEDOM IS ALL I SEE
FREEDOM IS ALL I YEARN
FREEDOM IS ALL I FEEL
FREEDOM IS ALL I NEED

2009-07-11T18:07:00.000-07:00

Watching people that I've liked, get into relationships, get engaged, and or get pregnant, sucks!

2009-07-10T08:15:00.001-07:00

Couldn't this life have been a bit more easy?

I think that its possible to wake up.

I never liked being bored, but I hate hollow times.

I feel out of it. Sad, lone wolfy, less friendly to the general public, more into direct things.

I'd hurt a lot of feelings if I told everyone how I felt.

I absorb hard hits really well.

That shit hurts.

Where to be?

2009-07-08T23:28:00.000-07:00

Still riding the MTA with my bike for free. Ask Patrick, we take that $2.25 and buy groceries with it! And speaking of bikes, I think we may have found a frame for Cupcakes!

2009-07-05T16:36:00.000-07:00

This is Jason Dill, someone that admire for his eccentricity and style. Check out the whole thing if you have time. I just think its super rad to roam around and be yourself. Its pretty much what I aspire most for.

2009-07-04T11:11:00.001-07:00

Right now, at this very moment, a friend of mine is getting married. This week, my sister's visa case got bumped until further notice.

All this shit just happens as the world turns. What claim does anyone have over anything? Ceremonies are processes, are lies. The only claim you have is yourself. Which is why I live this the way I do.

And I am listening to:
Coconut Records - Back To You

2009-06-29T09:09:00.000-07:00

This past weekend:
I had a big urge to shoplift a $23 ethernet cable from Staples.
I realized that I'm honest about picking up "sloppy seconds."
John n' Tiff joined the best drunken metaphysics convo.

Polaroids and Snapshots!

2009-06-26T17:26:00.000-07:00

Soo, being the lucky girl I am and having the cool friends that I have, I got myself a spanking old polaroid camera from Rainey! He just had 2 awesome vintage Polaroid cameras lying around, and I was able to snag one! I'm so excited, I already ordered myself some film, now what to use it for...I don't think pics of Bells are making the cut for my super expensive film.
Speaking of the devil, Bells has been going through her mean kitty phase and is on attack mode! Crazy Kitty.

2009-06-26T08:50:00.000-07:00

Small, I know, but this is the BADDEST tribute piece!

2009-06-22T15:52:00.000-07:00

I likey this song. Its just straight up, no explanations.
Mount Sims - How We Do

I AM

2009-06-20T16:23:00.000-07:00

i am a man with disorders, dreams, and delusions

i am a girl pretending to be strong and free

i am a country ready to war and deny peace

i am a boy raised to be

i am the lost garden that you are in pursuit of.

i am the sexuality that my father hates.

i am a sperm raised to be cosmopolitan shit.

i am a part of the soul of god

the good one.

i am a boy raised to be.

lovely
respectful
kind
lost
hated
alone.

2009-06-19T13:47:00.000-07:00

About a year ago I entered the Delay the Real World grant contest. I busted my ass coming up with a proposal. Needless to say, I didn't win. I did, however, learn their 10 rules to Delaying The Real World. And so here they are:

1. Do Not Rush In Vain.
Repeat after me, THERE IS NO RUSH! Skipping a year won't cost you to miss anything in Normalville, in fact, you'll gain invaluable experience out in the wide world.

2. Remember What Year You Are Living In.
In order to make a decision today, you don't have to know what you're gonna be doing 20 years from now. Just imagine where you want to be now, f__ later!

3. Do Not Covet Thy Neighbor's Salary.
Most people whoe get high paying jobs right out of college end up giving up their lives in exchange for money that they don't have time to spend. The money makers are usually exhausted and miserable while those scraping by to do something satisfying are happier.

4. Vary, Vary!
Everything you do does not have to be related to your background! Having a diverse array of experiences can be more impressive than a perfectly coordinated resume. The more you dabble in different things the more you figure out what you like.

5. Blessed Are The Adventourous, They Will Stay That Way. Momentum. People who've started doing interesting things usually keep right on doing them, and likewise, the straight and narrow tragically remain, you guessed it, straight and narrow.

6. The Journey Of A Thousand Miles Begins With One Simple And Free Google Search.
Really, what question can't you look up and find out on your own with the help of a search engine?

7. If It Seems Like A Long Shot Then Shoot Long!
It may seem far, but you'd be surprised how far you can aim. Try, you never know! Worst that can happen is that you don't hit it, but that also happens when you don't shoot anyway. Make sense?

8. If Money Is Standing In Your Way, Plow It Down!
Get creative. Part-time, temp, barter, scrap up funds however you can. Nothing really costs that much unless you're trying to honeymoon in an all-inclusive resort, and we all know that creative honeymooners wouldn't pay that anyway!

9. Just do it.
You can get inspired all you want, but unless you take that step and do it. . .

10. Redefine Real.
The adventure(s) that you wind up taking will be more real than any fluorescent-lit cubicle will ever be, don't lie to yourself! Do something different, you'll wind up being different from the masses.

2009-06-18T10:47:00.000-07:00

Went to see The Teenagers for free at South Street Seaport yesterday evening. It was mega fun! They were very French, funny, and friendly. They even invited fans to sing on stage with them at the end.

The Teenagers - Homecoming (Gentelmen Drivers Rave Mix)

2009-06-16T18:23:00.000-07:00

I think that my next stage in endeavors (since I've got so many others going on, seriously) will be music production and playing. Truly indie music, backed by nothing in terms of money and stupid music labels etc. I've entrenched myself in rock. Good ol' drums and guitar rock. Grunge is a major influence too. If I could sum up the sound I'd like to conjure up I'd immediately mention the genres of Nu-Wave, Grunge, Punk, Indie, and Folk. I've even gotten into Creedance Clearwater, which probably falls under Folk.

I have an electric guitar, some drumsticks and a great production program at my disposal. I suppose that my next step is going to be to learn chords and go over drumming rudiments. The plans are to then create some sounds. I'd also like to throw in percussion in the form of Caribbean drums/congas and some folkish percussion from cowbells and tambourines. I'd also like to fiddle around with a harmonica and maybe even a banjo for true Folk sound!

After mounting and creating some sound and foundation I'd like to then travel over to the Dominican Republic to hone in on a more independent and untouched scene and sound out there. I'd like to move over to the capital for 2010 with Frank and perhaps others (anyone willing to partake in the sound, really).I like the name New York Sound Machine, perhaps paying tribute to Gloria Estefan and her Miami Machine.

I've also got some heavy modern influences in electronic, Hip-Hop-based genres like Electro, Freestyle, and Bass. I hope to tap into that as well.

One more New York summer before I go...

2009-06-15T14:49:00.000-07:00

Ait, so I've decided to stay in NYC one last summer. San Francisco has been postponed till Sept. Got a new gig designing, finally, although its a troop to get there, White Plains. So lets make this summer unforgettable. Or forgettable, depending on what we do ;-D!!! STAY BLACK!

We doing big thangs!!!

2009-06-15T14:46:00.000-07:00

Randomly found this Dominican artist. Scheck him out. Dude is nice. http://garabatosdeemilio.blogspot.com

2009-06-14T19:49:00.001-07:00

You ever play video games? Ever play a game that was just too psychologically cuckoo for you at such a young age? Fuckin' SHADOWRUN was exactly that game for me. Way too dark/twisted/futuristic/addictive, it was. And now its back in my possession thanks to my PC the Internet and an emulator.

2009-06-11T12:40:00.000-07:00

Guess who has an arrest warrant out for them? Bummer.

Allow Me To Introduce

2009-06-10T19:18:00.000-07:00

Little Miss Isabela Angelina Gonzalez-Adorno. This is our new baby! Congrats to us, she is a beauty and a blessing. I heard kittens meowing from 2am and on the other night and called The Super to find them. He did. There were 2 all soaked and alone. He kept one and gave us our princesa. Thank goodness, who knows how long this tiny kitty could've survived all alone in the mean streets of the Bronx!

2009-06-09T21:25:00.001-07:00

Pimp lights.

2009-06-09T10:02:00.001-07:00

Made a short bike movie. No music.

2009-06-07T15:07:00.000-07:00

Check out me pad.

2009-06-06T06:52:00.000-07:00

Art Gallery work. Side-hustle money.

what do i love?

2009-06-03T17:50:00.000-07:00

i love rock n roll

i love oral sex

i love god in all his forms

i love domplines

i love alanis morissette

i love the lack of fears that i have

i love the lights of the cities

i love the smashing pumpkins

i love the beach and the rivers

i love to hate the war

i love sharing arts

i love the rythm and the latin blood. i love my sugar

i love revolutions

i love the consequences of being me

i love the satan that makes me feel complete. my light and my dark.

i love my cousin anyelina, my mom and my sister.they are my blood family.

i love my friends . they are my spiritual family.

i love cigarretes and lung cancer.jajajaja.

i love the world and its lies.

i love the idiot that i am sometimes

i love writing

i love being on stage and say r u ready to rock?

i love naciones ciegas

i love the pain, the bliss , the crazyness and all that i feel.

2009-05-31T20:37:00.001-07:00

My new pad's keys.

2009-05-29T15:59:00.000-07:00

Test. Thinking of differentiating the blog authors by color. We'll see who gets what colors later. . .

First Post

2009-05-28T22:39:00.000-07:00

So I've been working like a mad man at my job, Club Monaco. Been picking up hours left and right and trying to stack my chips for my departure. I just got word today that I am officially accepted into Grad school, so I <3 NY might turn into I <3 SF. In other related news, my bike is riding like HEAVEN. I'll keep you posted on that. Stay black!

2009-05-27T20:15:00.000-07:00

That's right. Cheers to busting out photoshoots at 3AM with your friends. And cheers to Javier for the camera!

4am Photoshoots

2009-05-26T15:36:00.000-07:00

Headed uptown to meet up with the Rainman and Salobeans for the mannequinn photoshoot the two of them arranged. Three girls, who looked absolutely stunning and 3 amateurs in lighting, directing and shooting but couldnt have asked for anything better. Rainey got some great shots, always a good thing when you can work with the people you enjoy. Can't wait to see the pics, we'll post some here as soon as we get them finished. On to the next project! :)

2009-05-24T20:04:00.001-07:00

Philadelphia this weekend. Met some cool, philosophical hosts. Our friend's mom was so cool and reflective. Got back in today and messed with our bikes. Ask Pat about the gnarly falls we took this evening. Terrible!

2009-05-22T09:00:00.001-07:00

In light of a few fascist religious rituals and people, here is my response:

You're the fuel to the fire
You're the weapons of war
You're the irony of justice
And the father of law

I've been waiting for awhile to meet you
For the chance to shake your hand
To give you thanks for all the suffering you command
And when all is over and we return to dust
Who will be my judge and which one do I trust

You're the champion of sorrow
You're the love and the pain
You're the fighter of evil
Yet you're one in the same

I've been waiting for awhile to meet you
For the chance to shake your hand
To give you thanks for all the suffering you command
And when all is over and we return to dust
Who will be my judge and which one do I trust?

2009-05-21T10:21:00.001-07:00

Even Bigger Flight Delays! New authors coming right up. Welcome Pat and Cupcakes!

2009-05-20T11:57:00.000-07:00

Ever notice how all the employees that work in the payroll department usually always sound grumpy, edgy, and over-worked? Yea, I would be too if I were stuck in a cubicle worrying about other people's numbers and money.

Created a Facebook group for friends to share resources. Its called All My Friends Participate. Look it up. Lets stop dreaming our dreams, and begin living them. Freely!

2009-05-19T14:54:00.001-07:00

So a bald guy walks out of the post office and says to me, "you stole all of my hair." To which I respond to with, "I might lose it soon, so I'm taking advantage of it now." Score!

And out of fear that this blog is starting to resemble a Twitter account, I've decided to add a picture. Simmer down now! Wattup Pat! Wattup Cupcakes! Lurking Momo!

2009-05-18T22:55:00.001-07:00

Made it home alive tonight. Probably the most excruciating bike ride thus far. I was carrying a load equivalent to that of a 3-year-old. It was the weight of free kitchen goods like: a spatula, 2 baking pans, a set of frying pans, ladel, cutting board, and more! Also got t-shirts, a jacket, bed risers, grapes, carrots, and basil and dill (amazing herbs). All for free!

I am a Freegan and I was dumpster diving in the East Village. I also bike. I biked it all the way back home to the Bronx with all that stuff. I carried it inside of a broken duffel bag that I also found for free. I am willing. I am a Freegan. I am open. I am a Freegan. And I met more new and cool people. Young and old. Friends not confound to limited or institutionalized things. I am alive!

2009-05-17T10:59:00.000-07:00

American Apparel open call today. Rocked it. Last night's Mustachio Bashio had its moments. Made some good connects and once again, Dominicans seem to get up on all the good stuff. Go figure?

2009-05-16T18:45:00.000-07:00

Went to an NYU dumpster dive yesterday. Met some cool kids and found an AMEX gift card worth $15. Holla fo fifteen dollaz! That's the equivalent to 3 Holla-Fo-5-Dolla nights!!!

Today Pat turned my bike going into a single speed. We also started filming for a short documentary we are putting together for an art contest. $1000 prize.

Moving to Harlem soon. June. Spoke to Frank-Felix.

2009-05-14T13:13:00.000-07:00

I am officially a metrocard bandit. Found another card! $4.50. The trick to finding them is picking them up in slightly-off or lonesome locations. This one I found on an empty seat on the D train.

2009-05-13T09:12:00.000-07:00

Found out how to get on the NYC subway for free thanks to Pat. All you need is a bike and a lil trick we like to use. Leave a comment with your email address and we'll fill you in!

2009-05-11T14:37:00.000-07:00

PC got fried. Trojan virus fried. No worries. Still alive. Using the Apple store's account till I'm back up and running (free internet and IPhone). And in other news, made $300 selling old gold in Chinatown. Holla fo a dolla!